Some may tell you that your life’s success begins in college, but they were wrong. It all starts Downtown, the real classroom of Binghamton. However, the seemingly simple decision of what to wear could make or break you. Before you throw on your velour track suit, let Pipe Dream be your teacher and tell you what not to wear when trying to socially succeed at frat parties and on State Street.
1. Summer accessories
Is it sunny? Is it even warm? No. So please guys, put away the sunglasses — especially those thick plastic ones that are supposed to make you look like a hipster.
Sandals are a no-go as well. I don’t know if foot STDs exist but if they do, you’ll catch them in Downtown Binghamton.
Solution: Wear a hat. If it’s time to go out but you don’t feel like showering, throw on your fitted. Not only is your Yankees hat a good conversation starter, but it makes you look like you’re just a chill guy.
Drinks on you buddy, you’re the man!
What goes for sunglasses goes for coats: any clothing item that is weather-specific should not be worn Downtown.
No matter how cold it is, wearing big coats Downtown makes you look like a flasher/rapist. People aren’t attracted to that. If you must, try heading to U Buffalo.
Solution: sweaters. A dark-colored V-neck sweater is great for Downtown and will go great with that fitted you’re now wearing.
I know they’re comfortable, but even if you’re that guy who goes to Lecture Hall 1 in his pajama pants, sweats Downtown are just not appropriate.
Sweatpants don’t give off the “I’m a good, hard-working guy who’s maybe looking for a casual hook-up and even breakfast at College-in-the-Woods in the morning” vibe.
Instead, it gives off the “I’m here as my roommate’s wingman because I have an ugly (but smart) girlfriend at Cornell and I don’t see the need to look like a useful person. So go hang with my roommate. He’s in the School of Management and is a great guy” type of vibe.
You look like a schlub, honestly, and when some drunk sophomore transfer is grinding up on you, it’s way too easy to tell you’re excited.
And if that image isn’t gross enough, when you pee yourself from being too drunk, everyone will be able to tell. That’s sweatpants for you. Who’s the loser now? Clean up on aisle douche-bag.
Solution: jeans. Jeans are good to wear Downtown — so many pockets, so many opportunities. They look good with everything, so just wear them. Plus, since they’re made of a more sturdy material, the pungent smell of cigarettes and shame from Front Street won’t last too long.
Smelling like AXE is the social equivalent of walking up to a group of girls with a suitcase full of Bibles and offering to deliver them into the arms of Jesus Christ. AXE is the social equivalent of going Downtown with your aunt. Grow up guys — relax on the AXE.
Solution: Try some normal deodorant. If you must, spray quality cologne on your clothes a few hours before heading DT.
5. Shirts that are too tight/wifebeaters
We get it. You worked out at the gym all week and you want the world to know. Just don’t wear a shirt that is too tight or too small.
Not sure how tight is too tight? Here are some ideas: If your shirt rises above your midriff when dancing, it’s too small. If your shirt is at your waist, it’s too small. If you can barely move without ripping your shirt, it’s too small.
Wifebeaters also give off a weird vibe. I can’t place my finger on it. It’s somewhere between the rapist level of the coat and the tool level of the sunglasses.
Muscle shirts are usually a bad call. If you need to prove you have muscles, you have some deeper self-esteem issues that you should sort out with a school psychologist or a sympathetic floormate before you head out.
Solution: shirts that aren’t too tight. Is this that hard to figure out? Bros, you got this.
6. American Apparel hoodies
Hey everyone, Justin Bieber just entered the bar. I’m referring to you, glorified American Apparel sweatshirt-wearer.
Don’t get me wrong, American Apparel makes great hoodies, and since they produce in the United States, buying their stuff makes you feel like you’re making a little difference in the world. Cambodian children would thank you.
But look in the mirror; if your sweatshirt is tight and purple, it’s time to try something else.
This also goes for a lot of brand-identifiable merchandise. If someone can look at you and tell what brand you’re wearing, you look like a tool. Think your Ed Hardy T-shirt is cool? It isn’t.
Solution: There are a lot of nicer sweatshirt brands out there. Splurge on a polo sweatshirt. Hey, for reading this entire article, you deserve it.
I know change isn’t easy, but I promise if you follow these steps, you’ll be getting the ladies in no time. And if not, text me. I’ll find some easy girls for you.