Facebook is an essential part of our everyday technology. But among our friends, there are a few breeds that are especially annoying. Most of us, unfortunately, have these six irritating Facebook “friends.”
1. The lonely single female
Since Facebook began, the lonely single female has invaded our News Feeds with depressing statuses and self-taken photos (carried over from the days of MySpace, hence usually shot in bathroom mirror). Her statuses surface late at night, channeling Taylor Swift quotes or personal anecdotes such as, “You don’t know how much you’ve hurt me </3” or “All I want is 4 you 2 hold me when I cry.” Ironically, the LSF is quiet and reserved by day, only unleashing the emotionally unstable monster within when least expected.
2. The overrated movie-quoter
How many times can a person quote “The Hangover?” Ask overrated movie-quoter, an athletically inclined, mentally underwhelming male character who loves to get his Facebook voice heard. Instead of posting sporadic, interesting statuses and links like a sane person, OMQ is a bro who shares his thoughts constantly. Expect lines from him such as “Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive … Dodge! – From ‘Dodgeball.’ It’s funny because he says dodge twice.” Warning, OMQ is also obsessed with Dave Matthews Band and socks that rise far above the ankles.
3. The freshman who’s just discovering Downtown
Every fall brings a rush of naive, nubile freshmen who are so excited to discover nightlife and freedom that they must let the entire online world know. Expect weekly photos of this freshman Downtown with his or her new best college friends (who won’t talk to each other again by November). Aside from the vast number of new photos, these freshmen post numerous statuses about how different and awesome everything is. Popular posts include “Paradigm is so cool!” and “OMG Pasquale’s pizza is so tasty!” Maybe this type of freshmen reminds us of a time when we too were young and happy. Or maybe they’re just annoying.
4. The kid who’s actually really into school
This is the kid who links his/her schedule at the beginning of every semester and posts his/her grades at the end. The kid who’s actually really into school is the boy or girl who will share sarcastic statuses about his/her classes, but we can all tell they actually love every second of them. Popular posts include, “Science quiz today soo annoying. Good thing I studied for two weeks and I’m best friends with my TA!” and “Math test last week was so hard. Got a 98. Bitch.” KWARIS’ number of weekly posts usually outweighs his/her number of friends.
5. Upperclassman overachiever
The rare upperclass overachiever is an older male or female student who walked through the rings of Binghamton hell-fire and comes out alive. This upperclassman is busy with internships and traveling abroad, and simply has to share his/her envy-inducing lives with the common people. His/her passive aggressive statuses include “Building huts in Africa this summer. Some people call me a hero but it’s really not a big deal” and “So many job offers this week, I wish I had the time to take them all!” A UOA’s profile picture usually includes him/her standing on the Great Wall of China or swimming in a beautiful ocean during semester abroad. We all secretly wish you would contract Asian bird flu.
6. The happy couple
The most annoying of them all, the happy couple features a couple whose profiles have become almost identical since they became Facebook official. These two post photobooth pics together, as well as statuses updating the world on how happy they are. The happy couple doesn’t miss a single opportunity to write on each other’s walls so the world can see. We get it, you’re happy. Popular statuses will include “Baking cookies with my baby” and “Having sex while my roommate is sleeping.” These posts rival the toolness levels of popular movie-quoter and even the kid who’s actually into school. We can only hope the man finds someone else soon so his girlfriend can go back to being the No. 1 annoying Facebooker, the lonely single female.