With less than a two weeks’ notice, our campus was informed that Hugh Grant’s beautifully accented voice will be carrying itself through the Anderson Center this Sunday. It may not be a huge grant, but this man is worth more than any academic scholarship. One look at his mickey blue eyes makes us swoon, and for those of you who aren’t looking to be swept away on a permanent study abroad, he’s still someone who can get all you future actors and directors a foot in the biz. Forget talent and trust us, annoying a famous person is the number one way to do it.
1. Legally change your name to Bridget Jones — If you want him to like you, be yourself. But if you want him to love you, completely embody the personality of a fictional character that his fictional character got with. If you are not blonde, dye your hair. If you do not keep a diary, start now. You’ll only have the first few days filled out, but he’ll appreciate the effort.
2. Throw your screenplay at him — The only way to get you and your masterpiece noticed is to be assertive as well as different. Yes, your aesthetic-indie-rock-pop film is that good. Don’t doubt yourself. In “The Rewrite,” Grant’s character wrote a weepy screenplay called “Paradise Misplaced.” Don’t just slip your script to his bodyguard like a common drug lord, literally throw it to him. Stand up as Grant is talking and hurl it toward him with such a force so that he KNOWS you are serious about the business. Make sure the pages aren’t stapled together so (1) you don’t harm Hugh Grant and (2) he gets the added bonus of having to piece together your play as an after-premiere puzzle.
3. Whisper into his ear “I loved ‘Did You Hear About The Morgans?’” — Confess your admiration for the most misunderstood movie of his career. He’ll be shocked that you actually watched it, and appreciate that you are a true fan, not just one of those “Music and Lyrics” groupies. We not only heard about the Morgans, we think they’re awesome.
4. Recite a passage from your Brit Lit I syllabus — No Hugh Grant movie would be complete without a gratuitous recitation of Sonnet 73. It worked on John Donne’s mistress, it will work on him, too. Maybe you’ll get lucky, and recite one that he already knows. He will join in with you and you can speak in unison as you fall in love, actually.
5. Avoid talking about the phone hacking scandal — Ever since the News of the World hacked every British celebrity’s phone, Grant has hated celebrity journalists. His blood will boil even at the mention of the word “phone.” Instead ask for his telegraph address, or his fax number, but asking for his phone number won’t work like it does with most people.
6. Offer him a role in a biopic — He’s still the king of the romcom, but you can tell by the look in his eyes that he really wants to be the king of England. Grant knows he needs to branch out. A lot of British monarchs already have movies about them, but there are a few more obscure ones with inspiring stories to tell. Oliver VIII, anyone?
7. Tell him you like him better than Colin Firth — This is a sore spot for Grant here, and we need to be sensitive to that. Yes Grant, you should have played Amanda Bynes’ dad in “What A Girl Wants,” we agree.
8. Ask him on a date — Don’t be shy! See if he’d like to join you for dinner, and see where it goes from there. Remember, you’ll never know if you don’t try! Take him to a classy dinner at Number 5 (a la “The Rewrite”), then show him a real SUNY time at Binghamton’s hottest frat.