Allow me to philosophize briefly. You see, it’s hard for some of us ladies to truly understand the purpose men serve. They start wars, they invented the torture device known as the stiletto heel and they have been known to screw us over and act like immature assholes, to say it bluntly. It makes us ask, “What are guys useful for?” So Release asked three female students — Chanee Cameron, a junior majoring in philosophy, politics and law; Eseosa Olumhense, a sophomore majoring in English; and Vanessa Quince, a senior majoring in political science — that same question, and after some serious reflection, here are the top five answers, counting down to the most important:
5. Reaching things in high places
According to both Cameron and Olumhense, getting things off that highest shelf is a pretty useful attribute. So remember, guys, when you see a young lady on a stepladder attempting to reach those feminine items that she keeps on her uppermost shelf, allow her to gracefully fall into your arms and then proceed to retrieve the items for her.
4. Smelling good
All the ladies agreed that if you guys don’t smell like a bouquet of the finest hand-picked roses or some really nice cologne that does not include AXE, your purpose on this earth is null and void.
“A freshly showered man turns me on,” Olumhense said, and Cameron agreed.
3. Visual pleasure
Very little is more useful to brightening up our day than to see a really attractive person. We won’t deny that passing by a random hottie can lift our spirits. And there’s nothing quite like seeing a group of shirtless guys jogging on the Brain, and we’d like to thank you for that. Please don’t let the lowering temperatures discourage you from continuing to do so.
2. Good conversation
Cameron, Olumhense and Quince all agreed that being able to have a great talk or insightful discussion makes guys really useful.
“A guy who can hold an intellectual conversation is almost automatically sexy,” Quince said.
Guys, take notes and start honing those rhetoric skills. Ladies love a cunning linguist.
Very little surprise here. This was the immediate answer for everyone, and the obvious No. 1 reason why guys are useful. So guys, rejoice in the knowledge that because you can provide this very useful service, us girls will probably hold off on our plans to terminate you for a little while longer. Except for those of you who aren’t all that great at it. You, my friend, should be afraid. Very afraid.