There are a few mysteries at this school that I will never be able to understand: registering for classes, why the lady in the Binghamton University Bookstore looks at me funny when I buy lipstick and getting home for the holidays. Unless your family actually lives in Vestal (I’m so sorry) you will be faced with the challenge of getting back to your house. In the following manual are the different ways to get back for the holiday.

1. Taking the bus

There’s this student-run bus company called Escape, and while it is cheaper than public transportation, it only leaves and returns at certain times during the week. So, the Shortline or Greyhound bus is usually where students lean toward. The Shortline bus station is located at 81 Chenango St. in Downtown Binghamton. What Dickinson is to campus, this part of town is to the world. Crack dealers think this area is dangerous.

To get to the station you have to take a cab. Taking a cab during the day is very different than what you’re used to. You aren’t packed in with 20 other kids, to the point where one of your friends is actually sitting on the cab driver’s lap (that happened to my friend once and she got a free ride). You’re probably going to be the only person in the cab, so the driver is going to talk to you. You will probably learn more about the world in these five minutes than in any class. Cab drivers have insights you wouldn’t believe.

Also the ride costs $8. I know. It costs more than tuition here. Crazy. We should protest.

Finally you arrive at the station. After buying your ticket, which will be around $70 for a round trip, you board the bus. The bus driver is usually a stocky guy with a mustache. If you’re lucky, you’ll sit alone or with someone who falls asleep. Because then you can take their wallet. Just kidding.

If not, there are a lot of interesting characters you could be stuck with. There’s the girl who goes to Binghamton University and thinks it’s an amazing coincidence that you also go here and that you’re now sitting together on the bus. What are the odds? She’s not going to stop talking about it for the entire ride. Then there’s the townie who doesn’t move, but is wide awake for the entire ride. You can decide who is more terrifying.

Taking the bus is a good call because you can go when you want to. But beware, a lot of the lines stop and you’ll have to transfer.

2. Getting a ride

Almost everyone has those semi-friends here who live close to their real house and have a car. If you don’t have these friends, make them. They will be the most important people in your life, minus Jill Seymour.

Once you have this friend, text him or her a few weeks before break and make sure you have a spot in his or her car. These spots are like VIP, all-access, backstage, first-class tickets. It’s tough to get one, and you might have to take off your shirt to make sure you do.

The ride home is all about etiquette. First, you shouldn’t bring too much stuff with you. That’s just bad carpool manners. Bring one bag, Two at most. If you have a pet goldfish that you need to take home for break or it will die, you might want to say goodbye. Getting a spot in a carpool is totally worth the sacrifice.

Also, you’re going to have to lay down at least $10 for gas. This part is awkward, because giving people money is naturally awkward. I usually make a prostitution joke as I hand the money to the driver. This is why I’m usually stuck on the bus.

Don’t answer your phone if you’re being carpooled. Or on the bus for that matter. No one likes hearing, “Mom? I’m two hours away. OK. Yes, I’m wearing a sweater and a jacket.”

There are also a couple of gestures that drivers love if you’re going to be in the carpool. Making a mix CD is always nice because then you feel useful. This way, you also have driving music and you’re giving the driver a thank-you gift. Thank you for driving, thank you for being a friend.

3. Family pickup

This is the ultimate ride home — when Mom or Dad actually comes here to get you and bring you back. This way, no payment is necessary and you get to spend the ride with your parents. Warning, do your best not to offer to take friends with you on the family pickup. It gets awkward when you and mom start talking about grandpa’s addiction to Chinese adult films.

Getting home can be treacherous, but it’s totally worth it. Once home, you can eat real food and take a shower without potentially getting an STD. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.