Dear fellow students: Are you sick of eating in the dining hall alone? Are you tired of spending more time on Netflix than in real life? Are you posting too many serious romantic inquiries on Binghamton Crushes? It doesn’t have to be this way. Not anymore. I’m Darian Lusk, the dating guru of Binghamton University. I have been called the Susan Boyle of dating. I’ve gone on tens of dates and now I’m here to share what I have learned. With my Eight Pillars of College Dating (patent pending), you’re about to find love in a hopeless place.
To succeed in the college dating world, we need to set some ground rules. Your ideal date should meet the following criteria: Student. Four limbs. Of legal age. Conscious. Attractive (negotiable). And last but not least, cankles (preferred). Soon, the college ladies will be running to you instead of from you. Soon.
Before you can date the female, you need to understand the female. And these days, that’s even harder than understanding whatever language your econ teaching assistant is speaking this week. Interpreting a girl’s texts is even harder. “Sorry, I don’t remember meeting u lol.” “How did u get this number?” “Stop texting me.” What does it all mean?! Let’s find out.
One thing is clear right off the bat: Between pregnancies, menstruations and still being legally banned from voting in the state of Arizona, it’s harder than ever to be a woman. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies. Fellas, we could never really “get” feminism because we will never experience the act of childbirth, but we can try. To begin to understand the Women’s Journey, read up on your feminist literature. I recommend Margaret Atwood, “The Hunger Games” canon, “Dear John,” Thought Catalog and the backs of tampon boxes. Guys, put away the latest Tucker Max manifesto and your complete series of “Entourage” on blu-ray and get cracking!
3. The Location
You have the who: girl. The what: date. The why: lonely. And now that you understand feminism, all that’s left is the where. Location. It’s everything. If you find yourself saying, “I know this great restaurant called Einsteins Bagels,” there is something wrong. Take this lady friend to a fine establishment. Take this lady friend to Lost Dog. Wait, did I say Lost Dog? More like Lost Virginity. #soon
4. Prepared Remarks
It’s time. You meet. You cab it Downtown, because you don’t have a car and the blue buses, no. And now this party of two is officially seated.
Her: A friend of a friend whom you briefly met once at Roscoe Diner on the way home for Thanksgiving break. You jokingly asked your mutual friend to set you up but honestly wanted to gauge her reaction, and well, here we are! She looked slightly better on Facebook, but who doesn’t?
You: A nervous male college student, especially since your prior relationship with this girl is less intimate than the one you have with the Facebook album of her seventh grade class trip to Washington, D.C. you discovered two hours ago. But it’s okay, you cleaned up nice, though the tuxedo T-shirt would have been my third or fourth choice. Hey, you’re rocking it. But let’s not celebrate yet. Because it’s time to romance your date.
Getting a girl to like you during a first date, let alone at any point, is very difficult. But fear not: This very guide contains a fill-in-the-blanks script for exactly what you should say the second your date begins. Which is now. So take out your dating guide and simply recite, word for word, the following:
You: Stand up. Hi. My name is insert name. Thank you for agreeing to go on this date with me, insert name of date. This is our first date and so far, it’s going well! You’re nothing like the last girl I dated because you are not a life-sized cardboard cutout of Tina Fey. Just joshing. The last girl I dated was real! Pause so she can finish laughing. Currently, I am a state your year here at Binghamton University, but my class standing is state your class standing because I have number of college credits. What major are you? pause Cool! I’m a state your major. Make eye contact. Smile. Okay, smile a little less. Actually, I brought my DARS if you want to see it. I also printed my Week at a Glance, so we can schedule more dates. You are as beautiful in person as you are on Facebook. Slowly sit back down.
Once your prepared speech kills, you are ready for the next phase. The fastest way to a woman’s heart aside from being incredibly rich, and reading this guide, is compliments. Here’s one that’s been proven to work: “Hey insert name of date, you have long hair, fair skin and great birthing hips.” This first date is heating up faster than the bottom of my laptop when it’s on my lap for too long. Very. Hot. Watch out single ladies, this guy is a playa.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news: Yoko Ono is not dead yet. Good news: Neither is chivalry. Pay for your date. Open doors for your date. Be a gentleman. Be traditional. If you catch another man looking at your date at the restaurant, march over to his table and loudly threaten him. It will turn her on. I would know. Also, according to Yahoo Answers, in restaurants, females order food but they will only look at it. They do not eat it. Sometimes, they will take a pretty picture of the food on their phone so all the other girls can see how pretty the food is on their phones, too. Most college girls exclusively eat croutons, Chobani and Starbucks gift cards, so just go along with it! It’s polite.
Also, being the woman she is, she will probably go to the bathroom one to 20 times during the meal. Be a gentleman and walk her. This way you’re being “polite,” and the poor girl won’t get lost along the way! In fact, ask your date to bring her trusted friend Kimberly to the restaurant as well, so that she has another woman to go bathroom with. Chivalry is alive!
7. Closing the Deal
Dinner was a smashing success, but now you’re back on campus. This is it: the make or break moment. O face or No face. Dome or home. Are you the master of dating or master of bating?
Some way, somehow, she agrees to take you inside. You are stunned. How did you do it, you wonder? Was it was because you spent most of the date talking about your major, showing her your DARS and casually asking how cool her trip to D.C. was? Was it because it was a full moon that night so she was ovulating? Was it none of the above, and she just feels bad for you?
But then it hits you: It was because you followed my Eight Pillars. Now, your days of unrequited Binghamton Crushes and dining hall solo seshes are over. Yup, from now on, your dates are gonna end with her hair tie on the doorknob. Follow my words, and you will win sex. With another person. Hell yeah.
Suddenly, you’re going on more dates than your BU brain could have ever imagined. Your suitemates give you mad props but secretly they are jealous/hate you/take it out on Fifa/feel better/relapse/listen to Drake/everything is okay. Because just like Drizzy himself, you have transformed from that wheelchair kid on “Degrassi” (2001) to “Nothing Was the Same” (2013). The ladies love you. You love you. I love you. Then, you’ll start bringing girls home during breaks. Mom and dad will rejoice, and no longer question their son’s sexuality. Neither will you. Definitely straight. Gosh, they will be so proud, almost as proud as they would have been if you had gotten into your reach school, Cornell University. Almost.