So you came, you saw, you conquered. Now that orientation’s here, it’s time to start planning for the real thing. Before you pack a number of fire-code violating, unnecessary or simply taboo items in your trunk for actual move-in day, consult our what to pack/what not to pack manifesto, and save yourself the space and the shame.

BRING THIS:

Groceries: Go grocery shopping with your parents. You’ll want to have a stocked fridge before they leave, and it’s better to do that on their dime than yours.

Can opener: There will be days when that canned soup is more appealing than a trek to the dining hall. There will be many of those days.

Backpack: This seems obvious, but you would be surprised by the number of girls who think they can cut it with a large purse. But seriously, skip being cute with your Longchamp bags. It won’t hold your shit, it won’t hold your laptop, and it will get destroyed in the rain. And you’ll deserve it.

Headphones: Headphones are essential to the college experience, sadly. And bring extras because the ones at the bookstore are expensive. So unlike them.

Medicine: Bring some over-the-counter stuff, because health services will not save you.

Umbrella: You know why. You know why.

DO NOT BRING THIS:

Space heater: It doesn’t get that cold. Suck it up. Plus, it’s not allowed.

Fan: It does get that hot.

Alcohol: Don’t ask your dad to buy you a handle to celebrate your going to college. You aren’t on that level with him.

Medusa lamp: It’s not allowed. Bring it if you want, but it will be a pain in the ass to hide it in your closet every time your RA comes for fire inspections.

Condoms: They’re free in your RA office, and don’t act like you’re going to need that many.

Iron with a real ironing board: Just remember, tools iron their jeans, but tools also have lots of friends.

Pictures of your family and friends: Don’t bring them. Move on.

Coffeemaker: You’re a college student now, and that means you’re lazy, too lazy, even, to make your own coffee. Go to John Arthur Café. (Also, we plug John Arthur Café a lot here. Welcome to Release. Welcome to Pipe Dream. Welcome to Binghamton.)