Watson engineering students are smart, but one subject they aren’t well-versed in is sex. The world of Internet porn has claimed many addicts and, apparently, the freshman class of the Watson School of Engineering is no different.

The freshman engineering lab, just a floor below the Bartle’s Jazzman’s Cafe, has become a haven for the public masturbator. Until now, the late night lab fap has been a mystery but, from anonymous postings on Bing-U Secrets, it turns out that it’s a frequent habit for students trying to get through those long, cold and lonely nights in the freshman lab.

“Umm… I’ve also masturbated in the freshman engineering lab. It was around 1am, and there was no one there, and I was doing my prelab for LabView. I didn’t know masturbating there was a thing…” reads post #969.

How does one actually get away with rubbing one out in the engineering lab? To those who have not seen it, go take a look. There is not a single place to hide — windows everywhere and all computer desk areas are out in the open. The audacity of these determined Watson students may only be explained by dysfunctional stress circuits, when stress triggers a relapse and, in this case, the relapse is wiggling the ween.

“When I was doing the freshman reverse engineering project last semester, I was in the engineering lab alone all night. I was tired and stressed, so I pulled up porn on the computer, masturbated, and right back to working on Sold Edge,” reads Bing-U Secret #935.

Why these people choose the Watson lab is obvious: spanking the monkey serves as a self-induced stress reliever, an act that gets one’s mind off of that one girl in your systems management class and back to the intricacies of electrical engineering.

There are, however, some skeptics within the freshman Watson class.

“The whole thing is a lie, it’s a hoax,” said Kirin Elahi, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering. “I know the two kids who started the lie, that posted on Bing-U secrets: ‘I masturbated in the freshman-engineering lab.’ At least, I know that the first one is a lie, anything else after that I have no comment on.”

The addiction to Internet porn is caused by what has been deemed the Coolidge effect, which, simply put, means that men ejaculate at a much faster rate when switching from one female to another and at a much slower rate when with the same female more than a few times. This effect also exists in females and drives the primitive circuits in the brain urging you to fertilize the two-dimensional porn stars on your computer screen.

The Watson lab doesn’t block any websites, which makes applying the hand brake much more enticing. More enticing, however, is a blow job.

“When I was doing my Arduino Project last semester in the Freshman Engineering Lab and I was really stressed out. There was one other freshman engineer there, and to relieve stress, I gave him head in the engineering lab. Good things no one saw us…” reads Bing-U Secret #915.

Mark Wzientek, a freshman majoring in industrial engineering, believes that diddling in the freshman lab is weird, but some other ejaculatory pleasures are less so.

“I would never want to masturbate in there, but getting head is a little more acceptable,” Wzientek said. “If somebody I knew masturbated in there, I would look at them weird for about a month.”

All of these anonymous stories have given rise to anger and frustration among those engineers who wish for a clean lab, for an environment free of semen and jizz droppings to pursue the great academia this University has to offer.

“I think it is disrespectful because they know the general public wouldn’t want to see it or know of it happening in a place where they are,” said Brittany Bausch, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering.

There’s nothing wrong with taking the edge off in an almost harmless fashion, just be prepared for the most awkward moment of your life if you’re caught, frozen to the spot, staring an innocent Asian in the eyes who will never see his beloved lab the same way again.