Friday night and the lights are low at whatever Binghamton bar you’re into. You’re just looking to have a good time with your crew. And, hey, if a cute guy happens to walk up to you and politely ask for a dance, you’re not complaining. Unfortunately for all us idealists, sometimes we have to fend off the creepy dude who just won’t take a hint.
First, let’s define “creeper.” This is a guy who’s riding solo, which is a clear indication that he’s up to no good. Also, he doesn’t look like a student, whether he’s too old or not recognizable from campus. And third, he’s really creepy. Always a good indicator. So here are eight ways how to avoid this guy.
1. No eye contact. You must make it clear that you have no interest in this random weird guy whatsoever. Perhaps one of the best ways to do this is to NEVER look him in the eye. Also be sure to avoid staring at his lips or genitals. Your eyes should be wandering at all times to drive the point home.
2. Make up a crazy lie. If a creepy guy won’t stop flirting with you, pretend you are having a stroke. But then that time you actually have a stroke Downtown, don’t expect anyone to help you …
3. Jesus. Have you just been saved by Jesus Christ? The answer is always yes. When the guy comes up behind you, start talking about your love for God and for His son, your main man, Jesus. In fact, make it known that they are the only men for you. This is a surefire way to scare him off.
“One time I told this really weird guy who wouldn’t leave me alone that I only danced with God … worked like a charm,” said Lindsey Redgate-Wolfson, an undeclared freshman.
4. Boyfriend. You may have one and you may not (let’s be real, you don’t), but even if you say you do, he won’t care. The only way to ensure that he will leave you alone is to take him by the hand, pick out the random guy closest to you, and introduce him as your boyfriend. Realizing he has absolutely no chance with you should force him to give up his mission to get in your pants. Also, DO NOT pretend you are a lesbian, because this will likely attract him to you even more.
5. Be Bilingual. If you are, in fact, bilingual, use this to your advantage and start talking to him in an overly hyper manner with exaggerated facial expressions. If you aren’t bilingual, make up your own language or, at the very least, act like you can’t understand a word he is saying. Be careful, though, as Binghamton is about 9 percent international students.
6. Recite Shakespeare. Just do it. Let his lyrical sonnets lead you away from the fool. Maybe spew out some Hamlet: “Ay, springes to catch woodcocks. I do know, when the blood burns, how prodigal the soul lends the tongue vows …” This should have the desired effect of the fool’s flight.
7. Jenna Marbles. Many are familiar with the popular YouTube sensation Jenna Marbles and her “How to Avoid Talking to People You Don’t Want to Talk To” face. This is because it just works so well. See, Jenna knows all too well what we girls have to face. Walking away doesn’t work, because the creepy stalker just won’t care. So what do you do? Throw ‘em the face. Stand still for approximately five-10 seconds with the most absurd face you can think of and say nothing. Before you know it, creeper meets his creepier match and runs for it. I mean, come on, guys, you just met each other and “this is all happening too fast.” Put the face to use and end it.
8. Ask for help. If you listened to No. 1, then you should be with other people that you can trust to help you escape from the sweaty palms of the advancing person. You should set up a signal with your girlfriends and use that cue for them to swoop in and bring you to safety.
Correction: April 19, 2013
An earlier version of this article contained an incorrect spelling of a student’s name. She is Lindsey Redgate-Wolfson, not Lindsay.