In the beginning, God created Binghamton University. He created the grasslands of the Nature Preserve, he created the waters of the Susquehanna River. It was the Public Ivy. And lo, it was good. On the sixth day he created the Binghamton Commandments, the sacred laws that every Binghamton student must abide by. And then on the seventh day, he took a day of rest, and never finished the construction.
Thou shalt not vomit in a cab.
Lo, many freshmen cannot control themselves on the pilgrimage back from State Street. And lo, this is not good. Relieving your nausea inside the holy sanctuary that is a Binghamton taxi cab will result in a $100 fine, shame in the presence of your new friends and endless suffering. Thou shalt be covered in thy vomit and tears, as well as broke. And lo, this is also not good, because you’re probably broke already.
Thou shalt go to Wegmans.
And after God created the Earth, he created the heavens, and he named it Wegmans. So many organic groceries abound in this fair-trade mecca, thou shalt think you’re wandering through the Garden of Eden.
Thou shalt not buy your textbooks from the bookstore.
May it be Mando books, or may it be Barnes & Noble. May you peruse Amazon.com or even eBay. But behold, buying your books from the bookstore will lead to endless misery. You will spend all of your wealth, and though the bookstore shepherds may promise cash back for your rentals, they lie.
Thou shalt pack an umbrella.
Binghamton weather is like the 10 plagues. Sometimes there is hail, sometimes there is darkness in the middle of the day, and lo, sometimes there are locusts. Be sure you’re prepared for the Binghamton weather, and behold, you’ll be prepared for anything.
Thou shalt pack many socks.
No matter how many pairs of socks your matriarch or patriarch may have packed for you, a Binghamton student always seems to run out. Be sure to pack many socks, and lo, you will be rewarded with endless comfort and joy.
Thou shalt wear flip flops in the shower.
If thy liveth on campus, there are a few rules to abide by. Do not anger your lord resident assistant and make a covenant with your roommate, so that you know when the other is fornicating. Most importantly, wear sandals to your communal shower, or else darkness will be set upon you. Darkness in the form of foot herpes.
Thou shalt go to Thomas & Martin’s.
Thomas & Martin’s is the promised land. It is the rock of Miriam. It is the land of milk and honey, beer towers and intoxicated Long Island women. Tip your bartenders and attend regularly, your life will be filled with endless ’90s throwback songs, trivia nights and shot wheel shots. Let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24).
Thou shalt seek teaching assistants who speak English.
Just as Moses parting the Red Sea was an act of God, so too is finding a TA who is fluent in English.
That shalt get diarrhea from Sodexo.
And lo, good luck with that one.