“Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her ‘Edward.’ I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her ‘Twilight’ book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML.”

This isn’t surprising, as most girls have an unnatural obsession with “Twilight” and Edward Cullen. However, if I hear FML one more time I might just cut my ears off — I get it already! Granted, the Web site is hilarious, but the more irking subject is how females can be so blind to a fictional character purposely made to be compelling.

Twilight is a trap — so obvious of a trap that people don’t even realize it is one. Girls slobber over the naked actors who play Edward, the vampire, and Jacob, the werewolf, when in reality no one truly possesses their personalities. If there were then I’d feel a little disturbed, considering Edward is somehow an overprotective and lusty, but a “gentle” fiend; it’s like how Disney puts large eyes and tiny features on cartoons, like Bambi, in order for everyone to coo over how absolutely adorable they are — thanks to Professor Ann Merriwether for this observation — except Stephanie Meyers makes hers carnal and stereotypically alluring.

Twilight encompasses typical elements that would attract teenage girls, and it’s tragic to see that these techniques work so well.

I admit I read the first book and liked it before the hype; then again, I am also a bit of a supernatural bookworm. I may not have read far enough, but taking the story so far as to have the main female character have sex and have a vampire baby — breast feeding would probably hurt — was not what I assumed would happen.

I revel in odd stories and twisted plots and perverted events, but when I heard about Meyer’s book plots, I cringed. How could I not? Particularly with lines such as the classic, “Yes, you’re exactly my brand of heroin.” I understand the metaphor and what Meyers is trying to convey, but seriously? If someone said those words to me I might end up spitting in his face because I would choke up with laughter.

I will never figure out why her books are so successful. There are plenty of other books that definitely overshadow hers in the department of supernatural fiction, hunky vampires and werewolves. Is it because younger teens are craving animalistic fiction or is it because Harry Potter doesn’t deliver enough lust and teenage angst?

Whatever the reasons are, Team Rowling is far more appealing than Team Meyers.