My first serious boyfriend was 16 years older than me. In the year and a half that we dated, and in the ensuing year and a half since I broke up with him, a lot of people have asked me, “Why?” More specifically, they’ve asked me, “What the fuck were you thinking?” and then, as the entire story unfolded, they would repeat, “Oh my God,” multiple times.

My answer has changed over the years. It went from, “I loved him,” to, “I thought I loved him.” I have found that the question is not what was I thinking, but what was I deliberately not thinking about? Rationally, I think it’s fair to say that my ex-boyfriend took advantage of me. I was 18 when he asked me out; he was 34. That’s not just a big age gap — that’s a big power and experience gap. Emotionally, however, I am reluctant to say he took advantage of me. I agreed to go out with him because I didn’t have the courage to ask out the person I really wanted, and I didn’t have the courage to admit to myself how much I loved that person. He is now dating someone else; what goes around comes around, I suppose. I cannot, in good conscience, place all the blame on my ex, because I went into my relationship with him in a state of denial. It’s been three years, and I have yet to absolve myself of that guilt.

I do not condone age differences, and I do not condemn them. It would be ridiculous for me to make a blanket statement based on my very personal, singular experience. Things didn’t work out well for me, but Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are 10 years apart and seem to be doing well. When we’re talking about the problems with age differences, we are often actually talking about the problems with unequal power dynamics.

Power dynamics become a problem when one person in a relationship is at a much greater disadvantage than the other in terms of life experience, socioeconomic stability and education. This can happen in any relationship regardless of circumstance, but it is more likely to pop up in a relationship with a big age difference. I would never in a million years advocate for people to date exclusively within their social or economic class, but I would caution young people, specifically college-aged people, against dating older people with stable jobs and a stable income. Listen, I know how alluring stability seems; I just want a regular cuddle buddy and to not cry every time I check my bank account balance. But if someone with a salaried position, who knows how all the faucets work in their home because they don’t move around every few months, wants to date you, a college student who doesn’t know their ass from their elbow, ask yourself: Why does this person want me?

This is where predatory behavior can come in.

When you’re young, broke and confused, and suddenly you’re dating a real adult, you’re automatically playing defense. You want to prove to this person that you’re worth dating, that you’re mature enough and responsible enough to maintain an adult relationship. Your significant other knows this. They know that you’re on the defensive, so when they start mocking your deeply held beliefs, disrespecting you in public, ditching you for hours with no clues as to when they’ll come back for you and proudly telling you how they almost cheated on you, you will be used to playing defense. You won’t know how to play offense. You won’t know how to stand up for yourself.

When you have a big fight and your partner is looming over you, with his hand up like he’s about to hit you, you’ll actually think, “I deserve this.”

Please: If you end up in a relationship with an older person who turns out to be a predator, get out as soon as you realize they’re bad news.

As a general rule, do not date an older person because:

1.You think the sex will be better. If you’re dating someone who isn’t very nice to you, they’re not going to be any more willing to engage in foreplay just because they’re in their 30s.

2.You’re looking for a thrill. Find your thrills elsewhere. Have you ever tried putting a Peep in a microwave? It’s exciting and has the added benefit of not causing you long-term emotional turmoil.

3.You’re a college student and an emotional mess, and you just want some stability in your life. There is no stability in life. All you’ve got is yourself, and you’re wonderful and strong and brave. You can make it on your own.

If you’re considering dating an older person, the best advice I can give you is to be honest with yourself. If this is someone who respects you, and you like each other and trust each other and have a good line of communication, go for it. But if you’re seeking out this relationship because you’re lonely, your pet just died or you’re terrified of the road in front of you, don’t do it. You do not need a relationship to fill the void in your heart. You’re enough; do not forget that.