Does the winter wind keep your skin dry? Do the gray skies keep you antisocial and tired through half your day? Then you are definitely, totally, not in the mood for that excited, once-in-a-while friend who will change her route to walk with you to class and corner you into … getting lunch. Sometimes, the Binghamton breeze is simply too frigid to sustain friendly conversation.
Sometimes, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. And sometimes, some people are really, really annoying. Here are some methods for keeping that walk from Lecture Hall to Science IV reserved as “you time.” Just don’t ask me how to get out of talking to someone you bump into on the bus — that’s Binghamton-speak for totally fucked.
The recent 40-degree weather basically has us tanning in bikinis and boxers on the Newing field, but it’s still not too late to wear a light scarf. Scarves are a great way to render you either unrecognizable or, at the very least, keep passersby from making eye contact, which locks you into a forced hello. Wrap that scarf around your neck as many times as it takes to get it right below your nose and flip your hood up so that it’s casting a shadow over your brow, Batman style. Now, when you walk to class, you’ll be so bundled that you’ll basically be as hidden as the man behind Baxter, except you’ll be doing the opposite of giving away free hugs and high-fives. If someone recognizes you beneath your pile of winter gear, you either have a stalker on your hands, or it’s probably someone you should be saying hello to anyway.
Another great way to stay alone ironically involves something social — social media, anyway. There are countless ways to avoid people as long as you have a smartphone, and you don’t even need an app to do it. Just pretend to be on the phone, listening to music, texting or browsing the Internet. Never be forced to exchange an awkward smile with an acquaintance or an awkward hookup again. Downcast eyes, cold heart, can’t lose.
If the last two tips still leave you feeling approachable, it might be time to consider going underground. This is the holy grail of isolation, people. Where’s the place you most often mutter, “Oh, God, did he see me?” The frickin’ Marketplace! You may think the only way to get from the center of campus to the dorms is through the Martketplace and the Tillman Lobby. Well, think again. There is a secret hallway that connects the New and Old Unions in the basement of the building; it was utilized in the ancient times, when the members of the class of 2015 were but freshmen and masses from all over campus crowded the Susquehanna Room for chicken salad with complementary chips and pickles. Find your way to the legendary Pipe Dream office, make a right and then make a left past the lovely mural of our school’s motto painted onto a tree and the mailroom. From there, young grasshoppers, you are on your own. You think I’d fully reveal my secret and risk having to say hello to you?