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We get it: You’re new here! No one expects you to learn the social ropes of Downtown Binghamton nightlife in just one week. You’re clueless, and that’s OK — because if you’re Brittany Murphy, I’m Alicia Silverstone, here to rescue you from bogus parties and wasted Friday nights.

Walking down State Street, the first bar you’ll encounter is Dillingers. This is NOT the bar where you will be spending your time this year. Dillingers is one of Binghamton’s classier, more tasteful bars where you might attend a formal or an award ceremony. It is not the place for belly shots or reenactments of scenes from “Dirty Dancing.” But if you just transferred in as a junior or senior, you might want to check it out — a lot of upperclassmen and graduate students hang out there.

If you are interested in belly shots or wish you could get it on with Patrick Swayze, try JT’s or Paradigm. JT’s is known for its club-like atmosphere, where the beat is always bumping and girls are always welcome to dance on the bar (watch your skirts, ladies!). A night at JT’s with your favorite dance partner always seems to make time fly, and it’s popular with the Greek Life set. Paradigm, the newest addition to State Street, features a huge dance floor, awesome DJs and sometimes even Binghamton’s famous adult video star, Rasa. Behind the bar wall, you’ll also find an enormous room of endless seating where you and your friends can cool down and give your bleeding ears a rest from the gargantuan speakers.

Past JT’s is Binghamton’s one and only: The Rathskeller Pub. The Rat is the perfect blend of a raging dance party and a chill game night. There are three beer pong tables and a quaint dance floor for anyone with music in their soul (and tequila in their bloodstream). Wear close-toed shoes though, because the Rat’s floor is always covered with a mysterious black dirt. Last, but certainly not least, Tom & Marty’s is the place to go for a lax night of beer and board games. Tom & Marty’s is famed for Wednesday night Trivia and Family Feud on Saturdays. But don’t be fooled, they certainly turn it up after hours.

If you’re looking for nightlife elsewhere, the frat houses of Downtown Binghamton are a good place to start. Theta Tau has an awesome lighting system that syncs to the BPM (beats per minute) of the music (leave it to the engineers to figure that one out). Also, the Tau Epsilon Phi brothers recently moved in to a larger house, one that is “very conducive to socializing,” says fraternity member Eric Hirsh, a junior majoring in engineering. The Pi Kappa Alpha brothers are enthused about their new 38-person home with a basement under renovation.

So wipe the doe-eyed look off your face, get out there and take advantage of what Binghamton has to offer: black-light parties, beer towers and ’70s porn stars. Here’s to what’s promising to be the best years of your life!