You just got your midterm grades back and guess what? You suck. What happened to all that drive you had in August? Remember how you were going to get a 4.0 this semester and make everyone proud? Now you get to make that agonizing phone call home and tell your parents that you’re still a big fat disappointment. You may be thinking to yourself, where did I go wrong? How did I blow it again? Why did I marathon “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” during hell week instead of studying? The only option you have now is to cry alone in your room and listen to music written by people who hate themselves as much as you hate yourself. Break out the tissues and the closest bottle of booze, because it’s gonna be a long night.
Simon & Garfunkel — “The Sound of Silence”
Now begins your descent into the deep, emotional pit of failure. “Hello darkness, my old friend?” More like hello darkness, my only friend.
Brand New — “Degausser”
Yes, you hate yourself a lot right now, but no one hates themselves as much as Jesse Lacey hates himself. “Life is a test and I get bad marks” is a perfect lyric for this playlist; it has figurative and literal applications. You suck at school, and you also definitely suck at life. Nice job.
Nine Inch Nails — “Hurt”
During the aforementioned phone call to your parents, you might as well quote this song to them. Just cry and yell, “I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” If you sound hysterical enough, they might take it easy on you. Probably not though.
Joy Division — “Isolation”
While you’re quoting “Hurt” to your parents, you might also want to throw in verse two of this song: “Mother I tried, please believe me / I’m doing the best that I can / I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been put through / I’m ashamed of the person I am.”
Kansas — “Dust in the Wind”
All our GPAs are dust in the wind. By this point, you should be really, really drunk. And crying. If you haven’t gone through at least one box of Kleenex by now, you’re not doing it right.
R.E.M. — “Everybody Hurts”
There, there. Just let it out. Shh, it’s OK. Crying is good for you, I promise. You’re not alone. Well, right now you’re probably alone, but you get the point.
Elliott Smith — “Angeles”
You have now reached the point in the playlist where you are utterly despondent. Elliott is your best friend in times like these because he knows what you’re going through. “Go on and lose the gamble, that’s the history of the trade.” And you have lost. Badly.
Peaches — “F*** the Pain Away”
At this point, you have no tears left. There are used tissues strewn across the floor, your face is red and puffy and there’s probably dried snot on your shirt. What do you do now? You clean yourself up, go Downtown and get laid. Take Peaches’ advice: F*** away all the pain of failure and self-loathing. Hey, look at the bright side — you could always turn things around before the semester’s over. You won’t, obviously, but it’s nice to have hope.