They caught the guy, yes, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t make it all fine again and make everything go back to “normal” that easily. As much as I tell myself I’m starting to be OK, I realize all of the little things that remind me that it isn’t, in fact, OK. It’s waking up with tears on my cheeks from a nightmare the night after my first day of feeling like myself again. It’s me calling my friends to let me into their room so I don’t trigger them by knocking. It’s me feeling the need to check through the peephole even though I know it’s my suitemate at the door. It’s my compassionate coaches calling me twice a day and insisting they walk me to class even though there’s no longer a threat at large. It’s us jumping at noises behind us. It’s me rushing to unlock my door with the key I haven’t used all year. It’s my suitemates yelling at me for doing homework on the ground floor alone. It’s everyone in my building putting off doing laundry and not being completely comfortable exiting or entering Windham Hall of Mountainview College. It’s the empty sleeping pill bottles people have. It’s the pepper spray my friend carries in her pocket. It’s seeing my fellow athletes have less of that spark when we pass each other and say hello. It’s the smell of cleaning supplies stuck in my nostrils that were used to make it seem like it never happened. It’s this misery of trying to sort through it all and not wanting to admit our suffering. And finally, it’s me no longer giving people the benefit of the doubt, because when I did that with Michael Roque, he ended up brutally murdering someone before all of us. It’s all of this that reminds me that I am not OK, we are not OK, this was not OK.

The ordeal is over, but why can’t we end it in our subconscious as well? The anger, the fear, the nervousness, the second guessing … dealing with all of this is frustrating and exhausting. I don’t have an answer for what you can do to help or if I’m OK, so no need to ask. I appreciate all the support that’s been provided for us and I value those individuals with all my heart. Trust me when I say I know that it will be alright with time, that we will get through it as we process these events, but we will never forget it. I hope no one ever has to deal with what we are dealing with, yet I know that’s too much to ask in the world we live in. So yeah, all I know is that’s where I am at today; tomorrow could be different.

Kaylee Wasco is a freshman majoring in human development.