Ever since I started writing for the opinion section, I have steadfastly avoided writing a political piece for a multitude of reasons.
The opinion section tends to be the Gauntlet of political face-offs, with multiple columns regarding politics gracing our pages weekly.
But when the Republican circus starts pitching its crazy tent, I can’t help but get all riled up again. During the 2008 election, my blood pressure was higher than Snoop Dogg at a Wiz Khalifa concert and it was all thanks to Sarah “I Can See Russia” Palin and John “Walking Dead” McCain.
Initially we all thought Miss Maverick was going to make a bid for the 2012 election, and America hovered on the precipice of crazy once more. When she dropped out, many of us sane-brained thought the GOP would move away from divisive, Girl Interrupted-like pundits.
But little did we know they were cooking up the demented love child of Sarah Palin and George W. Bush: Michelle “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann.
Thank Sarah Palin’s gay-hating Jesus that Bachmann’s history and bug eyes were actually TOO much to be a proper GOP candidate. What could be too much for a religious, racist and homophobic group?
Perhaps it was Bachmann’s questionably heterosexual husband’s publicized interventions to help “un-gay” America’s homophobic youth. Or it was Bachmann’s fear of Walt Disney — she reportedly banned “Aladdin” at her New Heights Charter School because it depicted witchcraft.
Either way, Bachmann wouldn’t do, and after she dropped out it became apparent that the remaining contenders were hell-bent on filling her irrational shoes.
And just a few weeks ago, somewhere in between Herman Cain’s pervy-ness and John Huntsman’s ill-advised optimism emerged the “front-runners”: Newt “Turkey Neck” Gingrich, Rick “Wait, who are you?” Santorum, Ron “Are We Being Punk’d?” Paul and Mitt “Animal Abuse” Romney.
Otherwise known as a veritable smorgasbord of misinformation, insanity and money. Lots of money.
Most Americans should see the unabashed insanity these pundits display on a daily basis. Save Ron Paul’s admirable stance on foreign policy, these men would be no better off in the Oval Office than an on-probation Lindsay Lohan would be in the cocaine fields of Colombia.
And the Republican debates have done more harm than good. Romney and Gingrich have been at each other’s throats, engaging in some sort of idiotic dick-measuring contest reminiscent of a night spent next to a bunch of HGH-laden frat boys.
They spend the majority of every debate discrediting the other person, and Romney’s incessant eye-blinking leads me to believe he’s even attempting to insult Gingrich via Morse code.
What these debates and each of the Republican nominees’ campaigns have done is plunge conservatism into a new era of ridiculousness. I wouldn’t be surprised if during the next debate, Romney came out in a greenish wig with red lipstick smeared across his mouth and his face painted white, mumbling about “how he got these scars.”
The GOP is well aware of the crazy issue, and recently it seemed like they capitalized on this division by offering up the most bat-shit crazy candidates, hoping that the Republicans of America would do what they almost always did: Say “fuck it” and vote Republican not because of the candidate, but because of the party.
However, Mike Lupica put it best in his Friday, Jan. 27 article in the Daily News when he wrote, “The media doesn’t have to destroy the Republican Party. It is doing a good enough job of that all by itself.”
The GOP has crossed the line into Gary Busey-crazy territory, and it’s going to absolutely murder their chances of ending up in office.
I’m not complaining though. Obama 2012.