I planned on writing this opinion piece about the Binghamton flood, but as I sat down at my desk I realized a few key things:
I have little to no first-hand experience with the actual flood, sans my need to boil water and the flooding I saw by Front Street when I took a stroll. I also tend to lean toward being brazenly insensitive when it comes to the townsfolk of Downtown Binghamton, so I will refrain.
The realization that I tend to be a cynical bitch was interesting enough to pique my curiosity, and caused me to want to unpack the layers of sarcasm that I wrap around myself daily. Perhaps this is a side effect of my left-leaning tendencies (any liberal should be able to admit we often come off as quite condescending). It could also be directly related to a saying my parents peppered throughout my adolescence: “People suck.”
But people do suck, don’t they? In my not-so-long life I have dealt with some Lifetime-movie-level ridiculous shit, from crazy roommates to breaking up bar fights to having a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee thrown at my mother’s car by a mad woman and her troupe of illegitimate kids.
But what does a long history of insane occurrences actually do to the human psyche? Are you a cynical jerk and clueless about it?
Here, I will employ the tactics of the not-so-funny comedian Jeff Foxworthy of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” fame. I do this to help you, dear Pipe Dream reader, to confront your fears and determine whether you are also a cynical dick.
Here are a few tests:
If you automatically assume any young woman wearing pajamas in Walmart has had at least one child, you might be a cynic.
If your roommate gets a text message from her boyfriend that reads “We have to talk” and you say “You should probably get an STD test,” you might be a cynic.
If you see an average-looking man walking with an Asian woman and you swear she is a mail-order bride, you might be a cynic.
If your doorbell rings and you refuse to get it because you know it’s a Jehovah’s Witness, you might be a cynic.
If you see a Hummer driving down the road and you compute the driver’s penis size to be far below average, you might be a cynic.
If you walk Downtown with your keys in between your fingers, plotting how to take down an oversized man, you might be a cynic.
These are just a few things that will help you determine if you are indeed a cynic. But if you are truly as cynical as I am, then you will probably skim over this article, dismiss it as stupid and call me an ignorant bitch. Although, why would you even be reading this section when other opinions don’t matter?
Welcome to my world, fellow cynics. A world where we know everything, the masses are stupid and every single person sucks.