Most of my columns tend to be bitchy diatribes about the suckiness of people.
But not today! No, today I have decided to give all you noobs a guide to a few television shows that you should be watching.
Despite the fact that this past decade has given us a myriad of fantastic television (“The Office,” “Entourage,” “True Blood” — I could go on), I’ve been hard-pressed to find students who watch as much television as I do. Some students are live-under-a-rock clueless about excellent shows — an act of naivety and gross entertainment negligence to which I take personal offense.
So, here’s three shows that are on right now that you need to be watching. And, like the wise Drake once said, thank me later.
“The Walking Dead”
If you aren’t watching this show, I refuse to acknowledge you as my equal.
If you never leave your dorm room and have no idea what I’m talking about, “The Walking Dead” is a show based on a graphic novel that follows a group of people in Georgia who survived a zombie apocalypse.
Go ahead, roll your eyes and brush it off as just another show that jumped on the zombie bandwagon. Then punch yourself in the face for judging a book by its cover, shut your dirty whorish mouth and sit down and watch the show.
The writing is fantastic, the acting is superb and it evokes more emotions than viewers can sometimes handle. It’s deliciously violent and looks so realistic it makes your skin crawl. The plot is well-rounded, with so many various interweaving connections, twists and foreshadowing that you spend much of the show actively watching while also theorizing for hours with anyone who will participate. It’s an addiction.
No. 1 Reason You Should Watch: gore. More specifically, bloody, violent gore that will make you cover your eyes and squeal like a Girl Scout.
“American Horror Story”
Two words. Ryan. Murphy. You may not think you know who he is, but you do. He created “Nip/Tuck” and “Glee” and can easily be lauded as one of the biggest producers/greatest minds in television today.
Anything that comes out from underneath that hat he so often wears is brilliant, and “American Horror Story” does not disappoint. Murphy loves to push boundaries.
The show follows a family who moves from Boston to Los Angeles to escape the ghosts of the husband’s infidelity. Their new house is one of the stops on an L.A. haunted house tour, and the people who force themselves into their lives are terrifying. The show is creepy, and I mean creepy as in most people will not feel comfortable watching it. It’s also brilliant. So watch it.
No. 1 Reason You Should Watch: There is a man who roams their house in an all-black, leather fetish costume. And he may or may not have impregnated a lead character. Ew.
“Workaholics” is one of the best comedies on TV. Written by the comedy group Mail Order Comedy and featuring them as the stars, it follows the lives of Anders, Adam and Blake, three recent college grads who work at a telemarketing company.
The opening sequence of “Workaholics” sums up the entire show: A beer pong cup, an action figure in the toilet, a still-smoking bowl resting on a coffee table set to a chilled-out song with the lyrics, “You gotta be fresh.”
The show is shit-your-pants hilarious — the three of them party harder than the Binghamton University swim team and are substantially funnier than them, too.
No. 1 Reason You Should Watch: It’s your life, but funnier and well-written. You can live vicariously through these slackers without the hangover and subsequent failing grades.