Dearest Editor,

I’d like to congratulate you on a very successful Pipe Scream issue. For a while, I was under the impression that the only people on campus capable of writing cleverly and with humor were already writing for the Review, but it seems that I was mistaken.

In the issue, you published a fake letter to the editor from “The Binghamton Review,” so I thought I’d write you a real one. To clarify, there is no “the” in our name. However, you are a college paper, after all, so I’ll cut you guys some slack, even though our office is right next to yours and we’ve had the same name since 1987.

I actually believe that you and your staff do good work. You serve a function that no other organization is in a position to accomplish. Your news pieces are informative and factual, so it’s a shame that nobody reads them. I sympathize with that, though. In the past, we’ve had to resort to putting profanity on our covers in the vain hope that it would grab the attention of the average apathetic college student.

Your opinion articles, however, are consistently unintentionally hilarious. Whereas most people writing about politics strive to be analytical and objective, your columnists talk about how political issues make them feel personally, as if they were writing an angsty Tumblr blog. It’s great!

I do have one complaint, though. My managing editor and I just got back from a conference in Fort Worth, TX, hosted by the Collegiate Institute, which supports publications like the Review. At this conference, there was an awards ceremony. One of the awards was for the publication that best covered issues pertaining to Christianity. Now, our love for all things Jesus is rather well known, so we were considered a front runner to win this award. However, because we couldn’t resist lampooning your sex columns every single month, we didn’t win this award that we so longed for.

Best Regards From Your Right-Wing Neighbors,

Daniel Milyavsky

Editor-In-Chief

Binghamton Review