Above the Box

Dear MIT: You suck.

You thought you could win the Dropbox Space Race by using your “superior” computer skills and perfect SAT scores to cheat the system. You were fucking wrong. We may be knuckle-dragging trolls next to you, but for a few hours we practically tripled your score and reigned supreme. We got the 25 gigabytes of space because we deserved it, because we out-cheated you nerdy little fuckers. We were finally ranked No. 1 at something, not just in the America East, but in the world!

But your lackey, the Dropbox CEO and MIT alumnus, decided that your cheating was acceptable while ours wasn’t. He helped you steal away from us that which was rightfully ours. We may have gotten to keep the space (for now), but we don’t even care about that. We just wanted the bragging rights, and you know what? We’re going to get them.

We may not be the most prestigious campus, not the most attractive, nor particularly fun. We may not graduate presidents or CEOs or Nobel Prize winners, but we get A’s here too, just like you. Wanna know why? Not because we know the material. Because we cheat. A lot.

You grew up thinking success is the result of hard work; we grew up knowing success is the result of sitting next to the smartest kid in class during tests.

Cheating is what defines our campus — just look at our athletics. While we cheated our basketball team won; when we began following the rules we lost. Hopefully we’ll start cheating again, but that’s another matter.

Dropbox may think this is a competition to see which campus can register the most student users, but you think you know better.

“The competition is actually about computer science, and that’s why we’ll win,” you sit back and tell yourselves.

But we know best — this isn’t about computer science, it’s about cheating. And when it comes to cheating, nobody knows better than us.

Just because Dropbox reset our scores, knocking us from first to 93rd place, doesn’t mean we’re finished. Don’t be surprised when you wake up and we’ve cheated our way back to the top. And even if they reset our scores, disqualify us or threaten to infect campus with SARs unless we play by the rules, we stand here now, figuratively looking you dead in the eyes to make you this promise: we will cheat again. We will never stop cheating. And we will cheat our way to this win.

So here’s to you Gary and Chaoren. Go kick some MIT ass!