Once the snow melts and the sun re-emerges after a long, cold and snowy Binghamton winter, students can revel in the warmth that the bountiful rays have to offer. And though I am included among those who take this opportunity to bask in the rare Binghamton sun, I am not a member of the Summer Skank Brigade.
So I turn my attention to you, ladies. You ladies who wear shorts two sizes too small and spaghetti-strap tank tops meant for eight-year-old girls. You ladies, who accept the sun as an opportunity to show a bit too much skin.
To begin with, it is barely 60 degrees. Only in Binghamton is the transition from a heavy down winter coat to a bathing suit lost in the abyss at the first sign of vitamin D. It is okay to wear long pants in the sun, I promise.
Please don’t interpret this as an argument against shorts and tank tops. Boys, I’m not attempting to take away your precious eye candy. I am simply pleading that before these lovely Binghamton girls leave their rooms in the morning, they should take a good look in the mirror.
If you see your booty peeking out of the bottom of your denim cutoffs, it’s time for a new pair.
Unfortunately, I cannot be with all of you while you pick out your outfit in the morning (or in many cases in the afternoon), so I will attempt to enlighten you with some simple summer tips.
First, know your location. The beach and the Lecture Hall call for drastically different wardrobes: One is a place to flaunt your stuff and the latter is a place for learning, or at least pretending to. Don’t show up in a bikini top and a skimpy tank paired with your tiniest Hollister shorts. It’s distracting and inappropriate.
Once you’re aware of your environment, consider who you’re trying to impress. Your professors will not be responsive to your plunging V-neck shirts or the translucency of their fabric. They are not the boys you find at The Rat. They do not care, they will not care and you shouldn’t care either.
Beyond the effects of your school teachers, there are plenty of reasons not to make your tushy public. Perhaps one of the most obvious is that your peers simply do not enjoy being privy to every contour of your body. It is far from relaxing or enjoyable to have to avert your eyes from an almost certain nip-slip, or a barely-there spandex short that outlines your most prized reproductive organ. Please, keep that one covered (that goes for you too, boys).
It’s also important to recognize the type of feedback you’ll receive from exposing your body in such scandalous, sex-allusive fashions. It’s unfortunate, but members of both sexes are going to judge you for the way you dress. In fact, I’m doing it right now.
This is not to say that the female body cannot be displayed tastefully and appropriately. Dresses that reach beyond the boundaries of your behind are both fun and pretty, a great way to show off your legs and a fantastic way to keep cool. But there is a fine line between classy and trashy, and all too often it is blurred by the summer heat.
Consequently, as springtime progresses into summer, I urge the females of Binghamton to consider their audience when they are slipping themselves into their teeniest, tiniest shorts. Have some mercy, and permit us the privilege of avoiding the sight of your breasts and your bums in the sunlight.