I know that I’m stepping outside of my normal sports writing realm here, but something has struck me as so ridiculous that it warranted venting my frustrations here in the pages of Opinion.

So for those of you not in the loop, one of the phrases that gets tossed around a lot in the Pipe Dream office is “simmer down.” And that’s exactly what people need to do in regards to these rumors of a swine flu pandemic.

I’m not really referring to the disease itself, because I truly have sympathy for those people affected by it. Instead, I’m referring to the insane measures that some people are going to in attempting to prevent contracting it.

Once the disease was first reported in Mexico, believed to stem from clouds of flies drawn to “manure lagoons” on large farms, the entire world — namely, the United States — has been on red alert for the first signs of swine flu. Those symptoms are, of course, a curly tail and a penchant for eating swill.

OK, all kidding aside, I’m all for protecting my health, and that is the main reason I don’t go skydiving. But to halt my intake of pork products or limit my exposure to pigs is just silly. Some of my best friends are pigs.

But the world has gone swine flu crazy. Even this campus has. Yesterday, I received an e-mail alert from the University stating that a male student was possibly suffering from the effects of swine flu. Less than an hour later, the University sent out a “whoops, our bad” e-mail to announce that the student did not in fact have the disease. Chances are, he had, oh, I don’t know, a cold?

Symptoms include nausea, lethargy, sore throat, fever and coughing. So if you’re experiencing any of these symptoms run, do not walk, to … Wal-Mart. And while you’re there, buy some tissues and some Robitussin. You have a cold.

I must have walked past 10 people today talking about swine flu. It got maddening after a while.

But it’s not just here on campus, my friends. The effects of swine flu hysteria is a worldwide issue.

Egypt has ordered that 300,000 pigs in the country be slaughtered. That won’t succeed in stopping the disease from spreading. All it will do is piss off a lot of people who enjoy eating bacon. It’s also worth noting that there have been no reported cases of swine flu in Egypt as of this writing.

And it’s a good thing that we don’t all live in Lebanon, where kissing on the cheek has been severely discouraged. How many sorority girls or casual acquaintances on this campus would have swine flu by now if it were transmitted solely in that manner?

It is also worth mentioning that swine flu is not transmitted through food products. But just to be sure, don’t head to Mexico for the time being. The mariachi bands and Coronas can wait, believe me.

So no offense to Babe, but pass the pork chops and ham, and meet me at the suckling pig roast.

I’ll be the guy without the surgical mask.